"No!"
How hard was it to really say No?
She had heard it said so many times when she was
a child, a teen, even as a young adult.
However, what she didn't realize is that the
way she was always hearing it was actually
re-programming her.
Not being able to safely ask a question
before being told no,
actually took a huge toll on her self esteem.
Growing up in poverty also
made 'no' a very much hated word for her to use.
So now as an independent adult,
to her,
the word 'No' held a very painful and fearful
power
that controlled everything she came across
in her adventures.
***
Like yesterday.
***
She was sitting on the concrete outside the
library, looking at her phone while waiting
for the rain to pass.
When up ahead in the distance...
She saw him coming.
The same guy whom she had decided long long ago
that he was not a good match for her.
Yet, they had gone out already on two dates.
No matter how many times she told
this guy no, he kept coming back and she
allowed it.
She knew he wasn't going to magically change
and be who she wanted him to be.
And who he was in the now moments had already
proved to her that they both wanted different things.
The only thing that they had in common was Beer.
He had money to buy it and she had time to
share in exchange for a beer.
But he wanted more then just her time.
So he kept buying more and more
beer for her.
But she didn't want more beer.
Just one was enough.
But this is where she caught on.
His ploy was to buy her more beer then
an equal amount of time shared so that he could
throw guilt on her that she owed him.
But she was too wise.
She knew his game before he even dished it out.
Only, she needed to say NO.
He asked her if she wanted to go get a drink.
She said, "only if you're buying".
D'oh!
And off they went for the third date.
This time, during the date
she decided to do a synastry chart reading
between the two of them, in hopes that
she could use it to push him away.
She found that they were indeed super Plutonic.
Meaning, they had differences in beliefs around
certain powers.
For them it was the powers of the mind and values.
And she could already see how the manipulations
they were doing to each other was starting to amp up.
He kept trying to push the sex issue,
and she kept pushing the old traditional ideas.
He tried to lie to her and say, let's get married then.
And she topped his lie, with her snare...
"We don't know each other well enough to
get married."
After she said that,
she could see the frustration begin to boil in his eyes.
He quickly snapped back,
"Are you Mocking me?"
She responded with a 'No, of course not"
But clearly that was the wrong place to insert
the 'NO' that she should have used from the get go.
As they finished their beers, she mentioned wanting to go
home and get some sleep, but he had other plans to get
paid in full.
He lured her in with a quick shot at karaoke.
Especially since it was only 9pm.
He begged her, "just one hour please".
She had been wanting to sing karaoke for a while
now, and so she figured, why not now.
So she consented and they headed over to the bar up
the road.
When they got there, there was a bouncer at the door
which made her feel quite secure just incase she
would need him later to escape again.
When they sat at the table, the waitress brought over
a bucket of beers.
She looked over at him and shook her head No!
Yet, she ended up drinking two more before finally
deciding enough was enough.
However, the waitress came with yet another bucket.
As soon as the waitress set it down on the table,
he signaled to her that he was going to go use the
restroom.
She shook her head ok, and watched as he disappeared
into the back of the bar.
She quickly grabbed her phone and headed straight
to the front door, and grabbed her bag.
She ran out of the bar like a bat out of hell!
It was raining outside, but she didn't even care.
She was running.
She ran all the way to the community center
and took cover.
As she sat waiting for the rain to slow down
she called out to Holy Spirit and thanked him for getting
her out of the mess she had thrown herself into.
But she knew, there was a lesson in this experience
and a revelation of wisdom coming the next day.
And sure enough there was.
She had finally come to the revelation that the reason
she was always running away from messed up
situations was because she had learned
that saying 'no' would mean she was going against
what she wanted.
However, inside her, she already knew what she wanted
and when she told herself, he's not it,
her mind would think, If we say 'no'
we're going against what we truly want.
So it became a Self Betrayal.
A Self Doubt.
A Self Sabotage.
Meanwhile, the chaos she kept creating with this
twisted back and forth thinking was feeding the entity
that was happily situated deep within her.
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