Sticks and Stones

 It was June 8th... 2023

She wasn't sure if she was going to make it much farther. 

The night before had been so hard on her, that she knew

she couldn't bare another one just like it... 

So she put her hands together and she prayed real hard.. 

Hopefully God would help her... 

Who was she kidding... God was always helping her. 

She just never took it. 

She never did her part 

She was a chicken-shit.. 

She couldn't even say what she really truly felt.. 

Not to her Plutonic twin. 

Not to her family...

Not even to the guy she met the other day who offered 

to help her. 

She was such a scared shitless little screw ball... 

But she thought about what she was doing just now.. 

Putting herself down when she was already down... 

way down...

That was not a very nice thing to do.. 

So she stopped... 

She forgave herself and then she decided to just find something

she valued to do... 

And so here she was typing away.. Blogging out all that she needed 

to harness and level up in herself. 

She took in a deep breathe and she let it out slowly... 

She looked over her life one more time... 

Only this time, she looked over it with compassion in her heart. 

She saw a beautiful woman trying her hardest. 

Hanging in there, barely, but never letting go of God. 

And this was where a tear ran down her cheek... 

When she realized how harshly she had been 

judging her own self. 

How much pressure she had put upon herself... 

Nothing was ever good enough and that mentality 

wasn't hers. 

And it definitely wasn't God's. 

She had this false belief in her head the whole time!

She could never get happy for herself for all the great things she 

would do. 

But why?

What was she afraid of?

So she welcomed it... 

She realized no sooner then later, that she was afraid of 

not being perfect and getting in trouble. 

So instead, she kept herself always in line so she never had 

to face the fear of daddy coming home and spanking her for 

not being what was expected... 

And there it was... 

The truth... 

Hitting her right between the eyes! 

Her childhood trauma finally came up! 

And she saw it and felt it and welcomed it... 

And then she forgave it and her parents for not knowing 

different. 

And she forgave herself for not knowing better and attaching

herself to the very same destructive mechanism that scared her 

when she was young. 

God had already accepted and loved her 'as is' when he made her. 

Flaws and all... 

No one was perfect..

Only God...